The Encyclopedia of Daddyisms

Alien
HER: “The baby’s kicking. Want to feel?”
HIM: “Um, maybe later.”
HER: “What’s wrong?”
HIM: “It’s just that it sort of reminds me of the movie Aliens and sometimes I get mad at the baby because it’s going to hurt you so badly.”

Argument
“She’s become a lot more argumentative with the hormones, but she also has baby brain. So it works out well – she just forgets what she’s arguing about midsentence.”

Babymoon
“Pregnant ladies should only go on cruises for vacation. There are bathrooms everywhere on those ships!”

Bellybutton
“When your belly button pops out, that means the baby is done cooking and is ready to come out of the oven.”

Bottles
HIM: “The toaster is broken. Can you add that to the baby registry?”
HER: “No one is going to give you a toaster as a baby shower gift.”
HIM: “Sure they will. Tell them we’ll use them to heat the baby bottles.”

Bra
HER: Trying to squeeze her second-trimester breasts into her pre-pregnancy, 34B bras.
HIM: “I don’t think those are going to fit in there.”

Butt Paste
HIM, TO THE ENTIRE BIRTHING CLASS: “What about butt plugs? I heard we’re gonna need a lot of butt plugs.”
HER, HORRIFIED: “You mean butt paste, for diaper rash.”

Crabapple Tree
After painstakingly selecting a fruit tree and having it planted in the backyard, he proudly announced, “I really like our new tree. It will always be the same age as our child.”

Craving
HIM: “Honey, what would you say your biggest craving has been?”
HER, PROUDLY: “Fruit!”
HIM, OFFLOADING GROCERIES TO INCLUDE FROZEN PIZZA, TAKE-AND-BAKE PIZZA AND MAKE-FROM-SCRATCH PIZZA INGREDIENTS: “That’s not what I’d say.”

Dinner and Dishes
He wondered throughout the first weeks of pregnancy where his dinner was and why the dishes were piling up. By the second month, he finally realized how wretched she felt and that she probably wouldn’t be cooking and cleaning. By the third month, he was cooking and cleaning – what a guy! See also: Midwife.

Birth Coach Interview Question
“Is she hot?”

Elevator
HIM: “You should be careful of elevators.”
HER: “Why?”
HIM: “Weight limits.”

eTrade Baby
The television commercials he makes her rewind and watch because they make them both laugh so hard that the baby jumps with delight.

Faith
ANOTHER DAD-TO-BE IN BIRTHING CLASS: “How will we know when it’s time to go to the hospital?”
HIM: “Oh, I’m not that worried about that. Faith will tell us.”
DAD-TO-BE: “Wow, man. You have that kind of faith?”
HIM: “Oh, no way! Faith’s our birth coach's name.”

Family
He puts an arm around her. “Soon I won’t be able to hold my hold family under just one arm.”

Fertilizer
HER: “I can create people! What’s your super power?”
HIM, HOLDING LAWN FERTILIZER: “I can fertilize anything!”

Fruit
“Stop eating so much fruit! You’re going to make the baby a girl!”

Finding Out the Sex
HIM: “There are so few surprises in life. Let’s wait to find out.”
HER: “It’s your call. But I’m pretty sure delivery day will be full of surprises, starting with, ‘Honey, it’s time.’”

Gilly
What he named her hormones. See http://www.hulu.com/watch/53463/saturday-night-live-gilly.

Glider
HIM: “Do you want me to paint the slider?”
HER: “A slider is a small sandwich, so no. I would like you to paint the glider though.”

Good Answer
HER: “Honey, do I look big in this outfit?”
HIM: “Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that too much.”
See also: Making Her Day, Maternity Clothes

Home Depot
The place that houses everything he needs to nest. See also: Nesting.

Kick
What the baby does every evening as he talks and laughs with her.

Labor and Delivery
“If I get tired and need a break from coaching you through labor and delivery, don’t worry. I’ll go have a Red Bull. Then I’ll come back with wings!”

Making Her Day
“You look nice, honey.”

Midwife
The wife he thinks he gets between his pregnant wife and when his “real” wife returns.

My Baby
HER EXPECTANT SISTER: “My baby favors my right side in the morning.”
HER: “My baby is very active.”
HIM, HOLDING THE CAT: “My baby is already potty trained and poops in a box.”

Nesting
Building a mudroom bench for a place for baby’s snowy boots. Building a deck for a place for baby to play outside. Building a fence so the baby is contained. Installing gazillion-watt security lights on the porch so the baby is safe. Building a pergola as a place for baby to crawl. Uh oh.

Newlywed Game
HER: “The question is: What was the best gift I ever gave you… I totally know what it was!”
HIM: “What do you think it was?”
HER: “That time I surprised you and flew you out to see your best friend from college.”
HIM: “Nope.”
HER: “Dang! What was it?”
HIM: “You’re carrying it now.”

Nursing
HER: “The cat thinks the new baby glider is for him.”
HIM: “Can you nurse a cat?”

Sharing
“Can I write, ‘one for me' and ‘one for you’ on your breasts after the baby comes?”

Smoking
He quit. Because Daddies don’t smoke.

Toddler
“I thought maybe you could give birth to toddler. That would be better for me. I think I’d be able to interact more with a toddler than a newborn.”

Toilet Seat
He replaced the toilet seat in the baby’s bathroom with a special lid that has a secret potty-training lid stashed in it for later. It made her well up with tears of joy.

Update
“We’re doing well, we’re doing well. Wendy’s getting bigger. That’s about it.”